


dreamers searchin for the truth

by bitterwholesomegay



Series: even the stars and the moon (don't shine quite like we do) [1]
Category: Autoboyography - Christina Lauren
Genre: M/M, Mormonism, Spiritual Guidance, queer mentorship, sage old queer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-16 02:08:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14802320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitterwholesomegay/pseuds/bitterwholesomegay
Summary: Sebastian Brother is Not Aware that there are other gay mormons. When he puts two and two together and realizes that Tanner's gay aunt was raised mormon, he's floored.





	dreamers searchin for the truth

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Kesha’s Hymn for the Hymnless, which is my go-to bitter religion song. Well, that and literally everything Tyler Glenn has ever done.

Sebastian Brother is Not Aware that there are other gay mormons. He's distantly aware that there's a ‘gay community’ (whatever that means) and also that there's gotta be enough other people experiencing these things that the church has Policy and Guidance around it, but he's never met anyone who shared his experience. Or at least, he doesn't think he's ever met someone who shared his experience. He supposes probably wouldn't know, given that he's only ever told a handful of people, so other people probably don't talk super openly about it either.

 

When he finds out that Tanner has a gay aunt who was raised mormon, he is absolutely floored. He has a billion questions all at once and wants to ask all of them but has no clue where to even start. He’s having dinner with Tanner’s family one night when it happens. The conversation turns to the latest statistics on the youth suicide rate in the state. Tanner’s mom Jenna starts talking about Emily’s struggle with suicidality after she was outed and left the church, and Sebastian nearly chokes on his bite of broccoli. He gets some concerned looks, but waives it off, and the conversation turns to something else.

 

He had known that Tanner had a gay aunt, from that time he mentioned his aunt and her wife when he was visiting for dinner at his own family’s home, and he knew that Tanner’s mom was exmormon (and thus her gay sister might be too), but he didn’t…. put those pieces together until just now.

 

It takes Sebastian two weeks of hoping like hell that someone else is gonna mention Aunt Emily again before someone actually does. He blurts out all at once that “sheseemssocooldoyouthinkwecouldhangoutsometime?” It is….not as smooth as he would have hoped

 

Jenna smiles, pulls out her phone, and texts her sister.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

A week later, Tanner and Sebastian are in the car on their way to Aunt Emily’s for dinner with her and her wife. Sebastian is so nervous he nearly pukes on the car ride over. Tanner tries to reassure him that there's nothing to be nervous about, but this is all so new for him. He's barely using the word gay for himself, and, aside from his boyfriend, he’s never  _ talked to another openly gay person _ and what if he messes this up and he's not enough and he's dealing with this all wrong and and and

 

Tanner keeps concernedly glancing over at him, but Sebastian’s too preoccupied with his own worries to address his boyfriend’s worries.

 

Emily's wife Shivani welcomes them into their home with open arms, and after introductions and friendly chitchat, Shivani invites Tanner to help her finish cooking, and gives Emily and Sebastian space to talk in the living room. 

 

Sebastian and Emily sit down in the living room on different couches, not making eye contact. The nervous energy is palpable.

 

It's Emily who breaks first. “Sooooo….you….wanna talk about it?”

 

And just like that, the floodgates open and all Sebastian’s feelings come pouring out. “I'm trying to accept myself but I Don't and oh, uh, do you have some tissues or something, I'm so sorry I didn't expect to cry? I mean I kind of did but not this much and not this fast and--” he breaks off into hiccuping sobs.

 

Once he can form words again, he asks her how she did it.

 

“Did what?”

 

“Y'know, like, be Okay with it. Happy even? You seem happy, like. With your…” he stumbles over the word 'wife’. It still doesn't seem quite real, that this woman has a wife. Doesn't seem quite real that one day maybe he could have a husband. Not even necessarily Tanner! But like...be married to a man at all. Not in the temple, obviously, and maybe his family wouldn't come at all and oh gosh he's hyperventilating a little bit and this is all so overwhelming oh gosh

 

Emily, having an anxiety disorder herself, coaches him through his panic. “Deep breaths. Focus on my voice. You're okay. You're safe here.” His breathing evens out, and they sit together in silence for a few minutes.

 

Finally, she speaks up.

 

“It was a long process. For a long time I was just angry. Angry at the church, angry at my parents, angry at God, but angry at myself, most of all. I felt like I had brought all of this on myself and if I could have just been a little better, a little stronger, resisted temptation, I could have been Happy. Could have been a good, faithful Daughter of God.” Sebastian hears the capital letters, and chuckles. He's familiar with this part of the narrative. “But ultimately, once I got through the worst of it, and my sister helped me out and we moved away from this place, I had the space to realize that this wasn't my fault. I met other people like me. Not exactly like me, not other gay mormons, or exmormons rather, but other people who had been rejected by their parents, came to the Bay ‘cause they heard that was where the queer people were, y'know? I spent a lot of years being really angry. Tried not to take it out on the people around me. Didn't always succeed, but god, did I try. Tanner's mom was always there for me. I had a place to land, even when I came home drunk and somehow angrier than I was when I went out. Took a lot of years, and a lot of struggling, but I got here. I had some good relationships. Some bad ones, but some good ones, with women better adjusted than I was—not that that was a high bar, mind you—who helped me through a lot of the bullshit. I came back to this state for god-knows-what reason, met my beautiful wife. Fell in love. Carved out space for ourselves. And sometimes that was bravely and publicly, and sometimes it was just in our own home, being a place for each other to love and process and  _ be _ .”

 

“That sounds really nice. I don't know if I could ever have that.”

 

“You know, I thought the same thing when I moved out to San Francisco and saw all these beautiful couples walking around, holding hands, kissing. In front of God and everyone, where anyone could see them. Honestly I resented them for a while, thought they had to be faking  _ something _ , but. Went through a hell of a lot of therapy, and realized it wasn't that I was mad  _ at them _ , I was just scared. Scared I'd never have that. Scared I wasn't good enough to have that.”

 

“Ha, maybe I should go to therapy”

 

“Honestly? If you've got insurance and/or the money, it wouldn't be a bad idea. Having someone to help you unpack all this helps. There's a local guild of queer affirming therapists, I'll send you their website if you want.”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I think I'd like that.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Emily and Sebastian come back in for dinner. They talk about less heavy subjects over food, about how Emily and Shivani met. Sebastian and Tanner tell their story, even though Emily and Shivani already know most of it. Emily tells them about December 20, 2013, the day the state constitutional amendment was overturned and they got married, alongside thousands of other gay Utah couples. Everyone laughs and more than a few (happy) tears are shed.

 

Emily puts Sebastian in contact with a few of her friends at Affirmation, a group of queer mormons, exmormons, and their allies. He's overwhelmed at the thought of there being an entire organization full of people like him, and promises he’ll contact them when he's ready. He obviously can't go to the conference or anything, what with him being somewhat of a local celebrity and being seen there would almost certainly be outing himself, and he definitely doesn't think he's ready for that yet. But maybe, behind the anonymity of the internet, he can talk to some people. Hear their stories. Maybe he can find some guidance.

 

On the drive home, Tanner can't help but notice how much calmer Sebastian seems, like he's more at peace with himself. Maybe not all the way there, but like… Like he has hope that he will get there.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I’ve ever properly written, despite being an dedicated consumer of more fandoms than I can count for the better part of a decade. Please be kind.
> 
> I am, in fact, a queer exmormon. I work with Affirmation, and literally talk about this shit with alllllllll the bitter exmos I know, queer and otherwise, all the time. (There are A Lot of us.)
> 
> Conventionally, phrases like ‘the church’ and ‘mormon’ or ‘mormonism’ are usually capitalized. It is my personal policy, as a bitter-as-hell exmo, that I refuse to give the church that dignity/power/authority. If you’re unfamiliar with mormonism, know that those terms are usually capitalized, and it is my conscious decision to not capitalize them.
> 
> Queer-affirming Therapists Guild of Utah is a real thing, and it’s how I found my current therapist that I’ve been seeing for, like, 2 or 3 years now. She’s hella gay and real cool and capital-G Gets It.
> 
> Affirmation is also a real org and they're at affirmation.org. They do a lot (maybe even most?) of their networking and connection and talking to each other on facebook. If you’re not comfortable using your account with your real name, like Sebastian is in the fic, you can Absolutely make a fake anonymous account for this purpose. It’s not uncommon, and I know a lot of people who do.
> 
> December 20, 2013 was, indeed, the date Judge Shelby ruled the Utah ban of same-sex marriage was unconstitutional. You can read more about it in this wiki article. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Same-sex_marriage_in_Utah 
> 
> Come talk to me on tumblr about this book, mormon stuff, gay stuff, or whatever the fuck else you wanna talk about.


End file.
